An Interesting Night
by Ninth Doctor Fan
Summary: Mal is walking through Serenity, and he keeps seeing things that he'd rather not see


(To tell the truth, this came to me after reading The Power of the Pen by sphinx81. I found the part about Wash and Zoe particularly amusing so I decided to write a story where they try to be exotic in their lovelife. Of course, Mal took the story, ran with it, and it grew from there.

BTW, totally non-canon. Assumes nothing. Just fun and who cares.

I hope that you enjoy it. Please Read and Review. Flames will be used for your own funeral pyres.)

An Interesting Night

(Rated M for sexual situations)

Mal walked toward the cargo bay, hoping to be able to steal some quick time on Jayne's weights. The Merc didn't mind other people using his weights, but Mal wanted to be alone while working out. He hated when people watched him work out.

When he finally entered the cargo bay, he instantly regretted it.

"Zoe, what in the good gorram are ya'doin'?"

His second-in-command and his pilot were using Jayne's weight bench in a way he was sure the Merc would not approve of. 'Well, maybe he would' Mal admitted after a moment.

The duo was as bare as Mal had ever seen them. Wash was starting to blush. Mal decided to look at the wall.

"I seem to recall askin' a question." He said.

"Sorry, sir." Zoe said.

Mal noticed, out of the corner of his eye, that they had both grabbed something to cover themselves.

"Why you in here doing stuff that should be done in your bunk." He said, civilly he thought, "Especially when I told you that I didn't wanna see no, uh…" He was suddenly at a loss for words.

"Sorry, Mal." This time it was Wash. "We just…well…"

Mal turned to Zoe with his best 'Please explain' look.

"Sir, we wanted to get a little excitement." She didn't meet his eyes. Mal couldn't think of a time when she had never looked him in the eyes. She must be really embarrassed.

"Well, next time…" Mal didn't know what to say, so he just let his brain go on auto-pilot so he could leave, "Not where I can find you, please."

And he walked out.

Wash turned to his wife, and smiled. "Did that make any sense to you, lamby-toes?"

"No." Zoe answered, then pulled him back for a kiss.

Mal had not gone two feet away from the newly locked cargo bay door when Inara bumped into him. "Hey, 'Nara."

"Mal." She replied cordially.

"You prob'ly want to go back to the common room." He said, trying to warn her.

"I need to get back to my shuttle." She said, trying to get past him

"Business?" he asked, not moving out of her way.

"No," she replied, "I need to rest. May I get through."

Not sure how to put it delicately, Mal went straight instead, "Zoe and Wash are using the cargo bay. I wouldn't disturb them."

"Are they having a fight?" Inara asked, a trace of concern showing on her face.

'Maybe 'bout who should be on top' Mal thought but didn't say. "No, they're, uh…well…"

Meaning finally dawned on the Companion. "I see. Maybe there is room in the guest quarters for me to get my rest."

Mal smiled, "I'm sure there is. Night, ambassador."

Mal continued to the dining area where he saw knives and guns laid out on the table. 'Doesn't anyone sleep on my boat?' he thought. Then he noticed that Jayne wasn't around.

Then he heard Jayne. The merc was groaning. The last time that had happened, River had used Jayne's head for target practice with a can of peas.

"Jayne, you 'k?" He walked around the table, and then saw the second scene tonight that he wished he could un-see.

Jayne was getting a very special treat from River.

The merc and the crazy girl stopped when they realized Mal saw them.

"What's going on here?" he asked.

Jayne just glared at Mal who was sure he didn't deserve it.

"Jayne, you wanna explain why I'm finding the Doc's sister all over your… uh… nakedness?"

River answered, sort of, "Boy had need. Girl had need. Girl help boy. Boy help girl."

Of all the times to just appear, Inara chose this one. "River, Jayne, what's going on?"

It took another minute to disentangle himself from that mess, but at least Mal and everyone had agreed that Simon did not need to know about this little 'business transaction' between the first and second (more likely third) most dangerous people on Serenity.

Mal noticed a moment after leaving the dining area that Inara had followed him. "Why ain'tcha goin' to the guest quarters?"

"I did," the companion said, "but Shepherd Book said that he had left his bible in the cockpit, and I told him that I would get it for him."

"Oh." Mal grunted, "That's, uh, right nice of ya."

"Some of us are more courteous than others, Captain." Inara smiled.

Mal noticed that he had arrived at his door, finally time for sleep. "Good night, 'Nara."

"Good night, Mal."

Inara walked to the cockpit while Mal opened his door.

CRASH!!

They both stopped as the loud crash came from Kaylee's room. Several curses followed. It wasn't Kaylee cursing.

"Where'd the Doc learn that kinda language?"

"Have you heard Jayne speak?"

"Good point."

Mal debated for a second whether to go down to Kaylee's room and find out what happened or not.

A saner, and perhaps wiser, man (like Shepherd Book, for example) would have ignored it. However, this is Captain Mal "My Ship, My Rules, I can do WHATEVER I want" Reynolds.

Inara watched with bemusement as Mal unlocked Kaylee's door, pushed it open, and stormed down the ladder with a "GORRAMIT DOC, What the holy-"

Confused by the sudden stop, Inara was just about to ask what was going on when three things happened at the same time.

Simon Tam started saying, "Mal, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this."

Kaylee Fry started saying, "Cap, I know what this looks like and it kinda is, but it really isn't."

Mal started laughing.

Wondering what was happening, Inara started down the ladder while the three people continued their separate threads of noise.

Then she saw it.

She joined Mal in laughing.

Simon and Kaylee were both lying in her bunk. Kaylee was straddling the Doctor.

She was also wearing his black boxers and he was wearing what appeared to be a pair of pink panties with a kitten on them and a black lacy bra.

Two empty bottles of Sake lay on the floor next to the bed with a deck of cards and two sets of clothing. A third bottle of sake lay smashed on the floor where it had fallen off of the bed.

After several minutes of laughing, Mal finally was able to speak. "Kaylee, I have warned you several times not to drink sake. It is an evil liquid that really screws up the brains, 'specially yours."

Inara grabbed his arm, "Mal, let's leave them alone, and go back to sleep."

Mal followed her, leaving two happy, if extremely embarrassed, people.

At the top of the ladder, with Kaylee's room closed behind them, Mal and Inara burst out laughing again.

Finally, Mal stopped, "When'd I start running a love boat?"

"I don't know."

"G'night, 'Nara." Mal turned back to his room, "I'm going to bed."

"Good night, Mal." Inara said walking to the cockpit.

"'Nara."

She turned back to him, "Yes."

"Make me a promise."

She thought for a moment, "Okay."

Mal smirked, "Don't do the Shepherd. I don't think I could live on a boat where I'm the only one not gettin' sexed."

Inara fought not to laugh, "Don't worry, Captain. I think that should be the least of you worries."

She turned and climbed the steps to the cockpit.

Mal went down his ladder.

He went to bed.

(What do you think? Remember, flames will be used to cook YOU not me.)


End file.
